I Reviewed My Suburb's Grocery Stores Like Theme Parks and One of Them Got a 'FastPass'

Every year, millions of Americans plan elaborate vacations around theme parks. Meanwhile, every week, those same Americans visit grocery stores that offer many of the same experiences — crowds, long waits, overpriced snacks, costumed characters (okay, one store) — without ever thinking to review them properly.

I decided this was a injustice. So over four weekends, I visited every major grocery store within ten minutes of my suburban Ohio home and rated each one like it was competing for a theme park superlative. Wait times were timed. Rides were identified. Cast members were evaluated. My husband begged me to stop taking notes in the frozen food aisle. I did not stop.

Here are the official results.

Trader Joe's: The Themed Lands Champion

Theming: 10/10. Crowd Levels: 7/10. Signature Ride: The Frozen Aisle.

Walking into Trader Joe's is genuinely the closest grocery experience to entering a park. There's a narrative! There's hand-painted signage! There's a staff member whose entire job is to be charming at you!

The layout is a classic dark-ride structure: you're funneled through produce, past the flowers (the photo op), through the snack sections (the gift shop, strategically placed mid-journey), and into the frozen foods, which is the park's flagship attraction. The Mandarin Orange Chicken is the Space Mountain of this operation — a decades-old classic that refuses to disappoint.

Downside: The parking lot at noon on Saturday has a longer effective wait time than anything at Disney. I waited 11 minutes for a spot and watched a man nearly cry.

Verdict: The park you bring out-of-town guests to.

Costco: The Thrill Ride Park

Theming: 4/10. Thrill Factor: 9/10. Signature Ride: The Sample Circuit.

Costco is a Six Flags. It's enormous, it's overwhelming, you will get bumped by a cart, and by the end you'll have consumed food you have no memory of choosing.

The sample stations are the character meet-and-greets, and I will die on this hill. A tiny cup of mac and cheese handed to you by a stranger in a hairnet is a meet-and-greet and you cannot convince me otherwise. The food court is the park's quick-service dining, and the $1.50 hot dog combo remains the single best value in American entertainment, theme parks included.

Downside: The checkout line is the log wait of grocery stores — long, slow, and by the end you've made friends with the stranger behind you out of shared suffering.

Verdict: Best visited on a weekday with a FastPass (the membership scan).

Aldi: The Haunted House

Theming: 3/10. Chaos Factor: 8/10. Signature Ride: The Aisle of Whatever.

Aldi is the park section everyone whispers about. You need a quarter (an admission fee!). You must return your cart or face social consequences (an honor system with teeth!). And in the middle of the store sits the famous Aisle of Shame — a rotating inventory of, in my visits alone, a kayak, a ceramic frog planter, and a heated eyelash curler.

That's not a grocery aisle. That's a haunted house. You do not know what's around the next corner and you will leave with something you didn't plan for.

Verdict: The most fun per dollar, if you can handle the jump scares.

Kroger: The Regional Classic That's Seen Better Days

Theming: 5/10. Reliability: 9/10. Signature Ride: The Pharmacy Shortcut.

Kroger is your Knott's Berry Farm. No one plans a trip around it, but it delivers everything you need with zero theatrics, and the loyalty program (the fuel points!) is the season pass deal that regulars swear by.

The staff here are the true veterans — my store's Deli Guy has worked there so long he greets me by my order. "Turkey, quarter pound, folded not shaved." That's cast member excellence.

Verdict: Underrated. The annual passholder's park.

The Local Co-op: The Boutique Festival

Theming: 9/10. Price of Admission: Your Entire Paycheck.

The co-op is Coachella. Small, beautiful, curated, and everything costs the equivalent of a festival wristband. The bulk bins are the artisan vendor village. The staff are all deeply knowledgeable and possibly in a band.

Verdict: An occasional treat, not a weekly habit.

The Overall Champion

If I'm planning a full Saturday: Costco for the thrill, Aldi for the haunted house energy, Kroger for provisions, Trader Joe's for vibes, co-op when I'm feeling rich. That's a four-park day and yes, I'm tired, but so is everyone leaving Disney.

The point is this: magic is a mindset. The errands are already happening. You might as well get a story out of them.